How fab you have all this time say friends. So how come it doesn’t feel fab. Time which was always been my enemy has now become my nemesis.
I have a large collage of photographs on my wall which over hangs my desk. I made it for my parents 50th wedding anniversary. It’s full of dead people. It is also full of my immediate family. I look at it and remember my life back then. It was a bit of a whirl. Work, parents, housekeeping, children’s parties, schools, homework, social events, sleep overs, bar mitzvas, dinner parties – yes, they were all the rage in the nineties. Not your Abigail-party kind of dinner party that was the seventies! I remember feeling that I could never catch up and if only I could have an extra few hours that nobody else knew about. I was stressed, tired and I complained a lot.
But looking back – it was a wonderful time and with hindsight – yes that bloody hindsight again – I so wish I had appreciated it more. The people one would have wanted to spend more time with who are no longer here – the time when the children thought you were the centre of their earth and wanted constant cuddles and the work which was all consuming but interesting and fun.
Because now ironically, I am finding it very hard because I have too much time. And not enough things to do or people to share the time with. I could blame it all on Covid – I blame everything on Covid. The weather, the messy house, my bad temper, my insomnia the list is endless.
It’s true that I had intended on doing a lot of travelling and that has sadly been kiboshed but I think one of the big things that happens when one leaves the work place is lack of purpose. I have my yoga, my bridge, volunteer work a huge house to keep clean which in itself is actually a full-time job. But not exactly very intellectually or spiritually uplifting because it just gets dirty again. I never really got the house work thing you clean, dust, iron, wash, and within a few days it all needs doing again. What’s that about. I had been shielded from this because I always had nanny’s, au pairs and cleaners. Welcome to the real-world – this is my new reality. And I am learning to be a bit of a Stepford wife but without a husband. Can you be a wife without a husband?
Let’s face it I didn’t really have a good training for this as I grew up in a constant state of mess. My mother, bless her, could never get on top of housework. We had little money, she worked full time, rode us to school on the back of her bike and the house, well that kind of had to sort itself out.
Once when grandma was watching over my brother and I because we had chicken pox and mum and dad were at work, she had an instant initiation into our family’s way of cleaning up. There we were – sick with fever lying on the two couches in the living room waiting for the doctor. Yes, doctors used to come out in those days. The doorbell rings. Up we jump and grab everything in sight and throw it into the adjoining room. Within minutes the room was tidy and we return to our couches. Grandma just stood there open mouthed. We had been trained well. Keeping every room in our house tidy was an impossibility. Not because the house was too small more that mother was unbelievably disorganized. And while one could tidy one room it means that another would be full of the stuff from the tidy room. So, you can see why housework does not come easily to me.
But I digress.
So, I took to google for some advice on finding a purpose in life; I need to relax and take time – well got lots of that, do things that I love to do – travel! follow my intuition, not sure that is working well at the moment, read – clearly they haven’t seen the side of my bed.
Question myself – I have been questioning myself all my life and quite frankly I am done with questioning myself. And practice gratitude. I already do this. I say thank you every day, not sure who I am thanking but I am hedging my bets and hoping that there is something out there that might just save the planet because if not – well we’re fucked.
Anyone know a good life coach?
So, my new purpose in life is to find a purpose.
“Let’s be careful out there”