Yesterday I woke up feeling like I was on holiday today I woke up feeling quite the other way – that will teach me to be so smug.
Maybe it was the Will and decisions that had to be made which today I am now rethinking. Maybe it was very bizarre dreams about the sea, cliffs and swimming, maybe it is the huge angry bite on my leg or maybe it is about watching The Newsroom on NOW.
I remember Tod waking me up on and saying, “Think you had better get up, Diana is dead, the same with Yitzhak Rabin and oddly with the Queen Mother – all of whom died on one of my shifts. I remember reporting on the Deptford Fire, The Brixton Riots and writing stories about the Lebanese War. And now what do I do? Clean out a few cupboards, pull up some weeds and write this blog. I wasn’t exactly a news hound I suppose in the main I wrote features but there was always still the chase for a good story, a good interview. And the last 6 years at the BBC as a producer on Loose Ends wasn’t news either, but it was the chase for a good guest. To produce a good programme.
You can’t win with me – too much pressure – not enough pressure either way I am not content. But I do know that I need to find more of a purpose for my third era or is it fourth era – who knows but let’s not go there. I am open to suggestions from any of my 33 followers – or the 64 that the stats say I have. But nothing craft based as I am hopeless with my hands and nothing too physical as I have a bad back and nothing too intellectually taxing as my brain doesn’t work so well. Oh, dear maybe I am going to have to stick to weeding and housework.
Perhaps this dissatisfaction comes from a life well lived. My early years of hedonism followed by an eclectic professional life does not sit well with retirement. OMG, I have used the ‘R’ word for the very first time. Hateful word. I have worked as a nanny, secretary, bar tender, waiter, social worker, journalist, tv executive, radio producer, running a training company and event producer. I have travelled extensively, had incredible adventures, taken risks and survived.
Talking of travelling I watched last night a BBC Storyville documentary on Franco. Really how ignorant was I as a teenager? I had no idea how dangerous that regime was when I was hitchhiking around Spain and behaving badly. How much trouble could I have got in to? And I worry about my boys!
So, I guess it is no wonder that housework and weeding isn’t doing it for me. Anyway, I am a lousy cleaner. That said I did just sort out the medicine drawer as I was sick of rummaging through it in search of a paracetamol. I had no idea the amount of drugs I had stored in this drawer; Tramadol, Codeine Phosphate, hundreds and I kid you not of Naproxen, Zapain, Oramorph, Domperidone, Dicotyl, Oxycontin just a few of the drugs I found. And 4 tins of stuff for Athletes Foot – which by the way, I don’t have. Should I get sick or want to end it all quickly I am well stocked up!
I did also find a small bottle of George Eade’s celebrated rheumatic gout pills not dated but by the look of the bottle it looks very old.
You will have noted by now that I am a huge contradiction in terms. Tomorrow is another day and you can be sure I will be somewhere else entirely. I blame COVID-19 for messing with my emotions.
“Let’s be careful out there”