Talking to oneself

I am back. I have got up dusted myself down and given myself a good talking to about emotional indulgence. Mindful of the post Barbara sent me from a German Psychiatrist I am not talking  too much. Although the psychiatrist  said that it is normal to talk to the walls, flowers and carpets in lockdown and one only needs to worry if they talk back.  Phew so far  our conversations have been very one sided.  Although I think I  heard a few murmurs the other day.  That said I do come from a long line of people who talk to themselves.

So, after my thoroughly-good-talking-to I decided that today is the first day of the rest of my self-isolation and I need, no must, be a lot more proactive. It is too easy to get sucked into laziness and I was doing so well at the beginning with my lists; exercise, meditation, spring cleaning, bridge & scrabble. I say I was doing so well – meaning I had written the list but the meditation only lasted 4 days, the spring cleaning is still an ongoing exercise with very little achieved and  the exercise classes have been sporadic.  The Bridge and The Scrabble however are ongoing but also with little success. You would think that with all this time I would be able to perfect my playing but clearly others too have all this time and they are perfecting a lot better than I am.

So, the conversation I had with myself this morning went like this:

“Roma Felstein there is a whole world out there and I know you can’t actually access it personally but with modern technology you could be doing a lot better. So, start exercising that very lazy brain before it stops working altogether.  And begin by getting out of bed.”

Apparently not only is talking to yourself normal it is actually very good for us. So says a Dr. Nicolosi on the American network NBC.

“If we speak out loud, it forces us to slow down our thoughts and process them differently because we engage the language centres of our brain. By talking to ourselves we become more deliberate, and this creates a slower process to think, feel and act, instead of being bombarded by our thoughts.”

So, I am feeling pretty good about myself right now.

“What we say to ourselves, when we say [it], and how, has a tremendous impact on our self-esteem,”   Well Dr. Nicolosi anything that boosts my self-esteem is good news to me.  But he also  advises that it is the content of the conversations that is most telling.  Hmm now not feeling  quite so good about myself.  Most telling about what? The content of my conversations are a little bizarre.

If there are any experts reading this blog which I doubt as I am sure they have better ways of using up their time,  I would be very interested in their thoughts on the following.

Rewind to around age 9. I had this complex imaginary world with a bunch of different characters.  I would act out scenarios talking aloud BUT – and this is the really weird bit – I could only talk out loud if I was throwing a ball in the air at the same time.  Yes, I know how bonkers. But I guess by now you are not surprised.  And at night  I could  only get to sleep  by throwing the ball and talking to myself. My mother, worried that this behaviour was somewhat abnormal – can’t think why!  – would confiscate the ball. Which I would replace with a rolled-up pair of socks and continue – quietly.

Methinks I just might have disclosed a little too much here.

Moving swiftly on my son Toby – ever vigilant and protective about his mother – is coming down strong on our friends who are not so careful.  I have tried to explain that everyone has their own level and if they are not vulnerable then they are going to be going out – but I think it is falling on deaf ears.  Toby does nothing by halves.   And bless him since Tod died, he has taken over the role of looking after mum very seriously. Which he does very well and I am  eternally grateful.   And no way is anybody stepping over our thresh hold who has not been careful.

All packages, letters, groceries etc are sprayed with disinfectant and left in the downstairs decontamination room for 2 days.  Good job I have a large house! We have masks, disposable and reusable.  Disposable gloves, anti-bacterial wipes and anti-bacterial soap.  And lots of hand cream! We are a house that is well protected, and wo betide any germs that try to enter. They will have to deal with my secret weapon – Toby.  Everyone needs a Toby in a pandemic.

That said we are making a foray out of the house for a click and collect from Waitrose.   Given up on trying to get a delivery slot so this is the next best thing. I have already spoken to the local store who,  say if they are not busy, they will bring our shopping into the car park.

So, guys even if you are going out please be vigilant – this  pandemic isn’t over just because you’re bored


“Let’s be careful out there”